After 38 years of being in education where I heard my voice reflected back to me or at the very least acknowledged, I now find myself feeling invisible in retirement. My thoughts were consumed by how to reach and empower students so that is what I spent my words on. I am struggling on what to spend my words on and whether anyone is even out there who would be willing to invest in listening. If my voice is not heard, does my existence matter?
This got me thinking, what words do I spend my attention on? I gravitate toward books, articles, podcasts, and blogs that address ways people update their humanity. I find it inspiring to read how people muddle through hard stuff to get to the other side with new perspectives, appreciations, and insights. Their Aha's and revelations are usually a small shift in how they choose to look at themselves, others and the world. It is as though they are beginning life all over again, with a new set of instruction on how to live out their days. My favorite writer is Jonathan Fields who writes about his own personal insights to his daily existence, "Creation always involves destruction and uncertainty, there is no possibility without these discomforting psychic bedfellows." These words came to be as I was beginning the journey of rediscovering myself. It has been very uncomfortable, like I am walking around in someone else's skin. His truth left me with hope: Oh, this is supposed to feel weird; I guess I am on the right path. I also look forward to Vex King's musings, like: "For everything left unsaid, there will be another night of regret. For everything left unshared, there will be another day of feeling misunderstood. Every time we close ourselves off, we miss the chance to love and be loved. Be brave. Stay open. Risk rejection. Dare to be seen. You deserve it." I saw his message on just the right day that I was grappling with feeling stuck in my inability to speak from my heart.
But does the world really need another voice? Is it possible to put words out there in a way no one has ever done before? Why would I try? If I am being honest, I need to write for myself. I need to hear what I think deeply about, without interrupting myself with a distraction or having an outside source suppress me. I want to know what I am learning, how I am processing experiences, news, others, feelings. I want to know who I am now that I am not my career. I want to be a witness to my failures, my growth, and my evolution. So, why go public? Why not journal and call it a day?
I am called to give away my words as a way to connect to humanity or as Vex King said, as a chance to love and be loved - to have an exchange that leaves both me and others who might need to hear my words feeling like we are seen and heard and our existence matters.
I am committing to blogging to update my humanity and who knows, maybe someone else's as well.
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